OFFICE OF ADMINISTRATIVE RECORDS
OFFICIAL STAFF BIOGRAPHY | RECORD NO. 003
Name: Auntie Agro
Race: Goblin
Class: Enchanter
Position: Advice Columnist
Department: Dear Auntie Agro
Employment Status: Active
Official Biography
Auntie Agro serves as the resident advice columnist for The Wayfarer’s Gazette, dispensing unsolicited wisdom, devastating criticism, and occasionally useful guidance to adventurers unfortunate enough to seek her counsel.
An elderly Goblin Enchanter of considerable magical ability and even greater personal conviction, Auntie Agro maintains that most adventuring disasters could be avoided through common sense, proper preparation, and the occasional application of a sufficiently unpleasant enchantment.
Her professional background is unusually difficult to verify.
According to certain accounts, she has worked as a tavern bouncer, experimented with potion brewing, and accumulated an impressive collection of establishments in which her presence is no longer welcome.
The Administrative Office has received reports of seventeen such taverns. No official list has been produced, although several innkeepers reportedly became visibly distressed when questioned.
Her full name is alleged to be Madam Auntigrozzaleth Agrovexington the Third, Mistress of Unsolicited Counsel, Keeper of Grudges, and Formerly of the Underdocks.
Auntie Agro has neither confirmed nor denied this information, stating only that anyone foolish enough to attempt the entire name deserves whatever happens next.
One persistent rumor claims that a reporter who attempted to pronounce it was transformed into a decorative mushroom.
The Administrative Office has found no documentation supporting this allegation, although a particularly unattractive mushroom has occupied the records office windowsill for some time.
Despite her abrasive manner, Auntie Agro possesses a remarkable talent for identifying the underlying causes of adventurers’ problems, particularly when those causes involve poor judgment, misplaced trust, or an alarming absence of common sense.
Her advice is frequently insulting, occasionally alarming, and considerably more useful than most recipients care to admit.
Professional Characteristics
Auntie Agro is recognized for her sharp intellect, formidable magical abilities, and an almost supernatural intolerance for foolishness.
She approaches every request for advice with the firm conviction that the person asking has probably caused their own predicament. Her assessments are frequently blunt, occasionally insulting, and remarkably difficult to dispute.
Her qualifications reportedly include three failed marriages, seventeen tavern bans, and an educational history that the Administrative Office has been unable to locate.
When questioned about her lack of documented formal education, Auntie Agro replied that surviving long enough to become an elderly Goblin Enchanter was qualification enough.
Colleagues describe her as sarcastic, opinionated, impatient, occasionally brilliant, and utterly incapable of admitting when she is wrong.
Auntie Agro disputes the final observation.
She has demanded that it be corrected immediately.
The Administrative Office considers her response sufficient confirmation.
Administrative Observations
The Administrative Office has identified several matters of concern regarding Auntie Agro’s conduct, most notably her relationship with the Gazette’s Editor-in-Chief, Nynkies Nimblefingers.
Auntie Agro is the only known member of the editorial staff who routinely addresses the Editor-in-Chief as “Stickyfingers.”
Mr. Nimblefingers has repeatedly objected to this designation, insisting that his professional reputation demands a certain degree of respect.
Auntie Agro has responded that respect must be earned, preferably without first attempting to pick its pockets.
Attempts by the Administrative Office to mediate this disagreement have been unsuccessful. Both parties maintain that the other is responsible for the dispute, although Auntie Agro appears to enjoy it considerably more.
Additional observations indicate that Auntie Agro maintains an extensive collection of grudges, several of which reportedly predate the individuals against whom they are held.
Her age remains officially undisclosed. When asked to provide a date of birth, she replied, “Old enough to know better. Young enough not to care.”
The Administrative Office has elected not to pursue the matter further.
This decision was unanimous.
Official Personnel Note
Despite numerous complaints concerning her temperament, questionable professional history, and apparent disregard for administrative authority, Auntie Agro remains a valued member of The Wayfarer’s Gazette.
Her advice column provides an essential public service by assisting adventurers with problems that might otherwise result in financial ruin, social humiliation, or an unexpectedly short career.
The Administrative Office recommends that all correspondence addressed to Auntie Agro be written clearly, submitted respectfully, and free of questions whose answers should be obvious to anyone possessing a functioning brain.
Personnel Record No. 003 shall remain active, subject to periodic review.
The next review has been postponed indefinitely at the request of the reviewing committee.
Reason for postponement: Committee members wish to remain alive.
Administrative Status: Approved, under protest.
“If violence isn’t the answer, you’re asking the wrong question.”
Auntie Agro
Advice Columnist, The Wayfarer’s Gazette
