An Official Investigation into Attempted Murder, Reckless Goblin Endangerment, and One Suspiciously Convenient Fall
Case Number: TE-047
Investigating Officer: Thaddeus Grimledger
Location: Tel Ekir
Complainant: Nynkies Nimblefingers
Accused: Unidentified Monk
Witness: Shamboogie Spiritshuffler
Case Status: Investigation Pending
THE TEL EKIR INCIDENT
An Official Investigation into Alleged Attempted Murder, Reckless Goblin Endangerment, and One Suspiciously Convenient Fall
Filed by Chief Investigator Thaddeus Grimledger
Office of Investigations & Questionable Affairs
The Wayfarer’s Gazette
Case Number: TE-047
Location: Tel Ekir, Goblin Encampment
Complainant: Nynkies Nimblefingers
Primary Suspect: Unidentified Monk
Witness: Shamboogie Spiritshuffler
Case Status: Open, Pending Further Testimony
THE INCIDENT
In my years of investigating suspicious deaths, unexplained disappearances, and adventurers who insist they were merely borrowing things, I have encountered no shortage of questionable explanations.
This particular case, however, involves an entire encampment of angry goblins, a monk with a remarkable inability to remain upright, and a Goblin Rogue who insists someone tried to murder him.
The incident occurred during what witnesses described as a routine expedition into Tel Ekir.
The stated purpose of this expedition was to repair relations with the Ashira, whose opinion of the party had recently suffered a rather dramatic decline. The trouble began with a Deep Elf associate who, through no particular wrongdoing beyond the unfortunate circumstances of his birth, was considered Kill on Sight by the citizens of Night Harbor. In an effort to improve his standing with the city, the party embarked upon a systematic slaughter of the Ashira, apparently operating under the belief that murdering one faction was an acceptable means of making friends with another.
While this strategy proved useful in improving relations with Night Harbor, it had the entirely predictable consequence of making the Ashira considerably less fond of the party. Thus, the adventurers found themselves in Tel Ekir, slaughtering goblins in an effort to regain the goodwill of the very people they had recently been slaughtering.
I have reviewed the circumstances surrounding this peculiar approach to diplomacy and can only conclude that adventurers possess a remarkable talent for creating problems that require additional killing to resolve. At this rate, I expect the party will eventually run out of enemies and be forced to start murdering one another for diplomatic purposes.
At the time of the incident, Nynkies Nimblefingers and Shamboogie Spiritshuffler had joined a temporary group of adventurers, including a monk whose identity is being withheld pending formal charges, or until someone remembers his name.
THE ALLEGED ATTACK
Witnesses agree that the monk departed the camp to engage nearby goblins.
What happened next remains a matter of considerable dispute.
The monk reportedly attracted the attention of an entire goblin encampment before retreating toward the party’s position at a speed witnesses described as “concerning.”
Upon reaching the camp, the monk abruptly collapsed to the ground.
The monk maintains that he slipped.
Nimblefingers maintains that the monk deliberately employed his Feign Death ability, knowing full well that the pursuing goblins would redirect their aggression toward the unsuspecting party.
Unfortunately, the monk’s chosen resting place was close enough to the camp that the goblins immediately noticed the remaining adventurers.
The resulting engagement was described by witnesses as chaotic, violent, and entirely inconsistent with the group’s original plans for the evening.
Through rapid spellcasting, timely backstabbing, and what Shamboogie described as “a degree of divine intervention I would prefer not to test again,” the party narrowly avoided complete annihilation.
No fatalities were reported.
Several undergarments are believed to have been rendered unsuitable for further use.
I have requested that these garments not be submitted as evidence.
WITNESS STATEMENT: NYNKIES NIMBLEFINGERS
When interviewed, Nimblefingers was adamant that the incident constituted a deliberate attempt on his life.
“Attempted murder! That’s what it was! He brought an entire goblin army straight to us, threw himself on the ground, and left us to die!”
When asked whether the monk might simply have misjudged the distance between himself and the camp, Nimblefingers became visibly agitated.
“Misjudged? MISJUDGED? I’ve seen drunken ogres demonstrate better spatial awareness! That monk knew exactly what he was doing!”
Nimblefingers further suggested that the monk may have been acting on behalf of unnamed enemies.
When asked to identify these enemies, he produced a list containing forty-seven names, three organizations, and someone identified only as “that miserable little rat from the tavern.”
I have not yet determined whether this list represents credible suspects or merely individuals to whom Nimblefingers owes money.
Of additional concern is the complainant’s position as Editor-in-Chief of the very newspaper publishing this investigation.
When questioned about this potential conflict of interest, Nimblefingers informed me that the Gazette maintains the highest standards of journalistic integrity.
He then suggested I reconsider the wording of my findings.
I declined.
STATEMENT OF THE ACCUSED MONK
The monk has categorically denied all allegations.
“I was returning to camp when I lost my footing. It was an accident. I slipped, fell, and nearly landed in the fire.”
When questioned about the remarkable coincidence of his fall occurring immediately after attracting an entire goblin encampment, the monk reiterated that the terrain was uneven.
When asked why his fall so closely resembled the disciplined martial technique commonly known as Feign Death, the monk replied:
“I am a highly trained martial artist. Even my accidents are graceful.”
I have investigated many unusual defenses over the years. This is the first time a suspect has attempted to use professional competence as an explanation for spectacular incompetence.
The monk further maintains that any subsequent goblin aggression was an unfortunate and entirely unforeseen consequence of his fall.
His explanation has been entered into the official record under the heading Possible, But Deeply Irritating.
EXPERT TESTIMONY: SHAMBOOGIE SPIRITSHUFFLER
Shamboogie Spiritshuffler, the party’s shaman, provided what I initially hoped would be a more objective account.
“The monk arrived with a considerable number of goblins following him. He then became horizontal. The goblins, finding him suddenly uninteresting, turned their attention toward us.”
When asked whether he believed the incident was intentional, Spiritshuffler paused before answering.
“I have lived long enough to know that foolishness and malice often produce remarkably similar results.”
I requested clarification.
He declined, explaining that he was still recovering the spiritual energy expended keeping everyone alive.
He did, however, confirm that the party’s survival depended upon immediate defensive action and an extraordinary amount of healing.
I found his testimony credible, although unnecessarily philosophical.
I have encountered this problem with shamans before.
INVESTIGATOR’S FINDINGS
After reviewing the available testimony, I have established the following facts:
- The monk attracted substantially more goblins than the party had intended to engage.
- The monk returned directly toward the occupied camp.
- The monk became prone under circumstances that remain disputed.
- The pursuing goblins redirected their attention toward the remaining party members.
- The party survived only through rapid defensive action.
- Nimblefingers has repeatedly demanded that the monk be arrested, prosecuted, and preferably made to pay for his emotional distress.
The investigation has also uncovered several troubling inconsistencies.
The monk insists that he slipped near the campfire, yet no witness recalls seeing him attempt to regain his balance.
Nimblefingers insists that he was the intended target, despite the goblins displaying equal enthusiasm for murdering everyone present.
Spiritshuffler insists that the matter is best left to the judgment of higher powers, although I suspect this position is motivated primarily by his desire never to group with the monk again.
Of particular interest is the monk’s assertion that his fall was accidental.
I have personally examined the available testimony regarding the terrain. While uneven ground may indeed present a hazard, I find it difficult to accept that a trained martial artist could successfully evade an entire goblin encampment only to be defeated by the earth beneath his own feet.
Nevertheless, suspicion is not proof.
A distinction I have repeatedly attempted to explain to Nimblefingers.
He has repeatedly attempted to explain that I am wrong.
OFFICIAL DETERMINATION
At present, I find insufficient evidence to establish that the monk deliberately attempted to assassinate Nynkies Nimblefingers.
However, the evidence strongly supports a finding of Reckless Endangerment Through Excessive Goblin Transportation.
Additional consideration is being given to charges of Negligent Feigning, Improper Campfire Approach, and Disturbing the Peace of a Perfectly Respectable Adventuring Party.
The monk has been advised to exercise greater caution when navigating uneven terrain.
Nimblefingers has been advised that surviving an incident does not automatically prove that it was an assassination attempt.
He has rejected this advice.
The investigation remains open.
INVESTIGATOR’S FINAL NOTE
In my years investigating suspicious deaths, unexplained disappearances, and adventurers who insist they were merely borrowing things, I have learned one important lesson.
When a monk arrives pursued by an entire encampment of angry goblins and immediately falls over, there are only two reasonable explanations.
Either he is the most unfortunate martial artist in Tel Ekir, or he is a criminal mastermind.
Regrettably, the evidence suggests he may be both.
The facts have been recorded. The excuses have been noted. The truth, regrettably, remains under investigation.
Filed and submitted,
Thaddeus Grimledger
Chief Investigator
Office of Investigations & Questionable Affairs
The Wayfarer’s Gazette
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