WANTED: Jerbear and the Curious Case of the Forty-Mob Defense
THE WAYFARER’S GAZETTE
Office of Investigations & Questionable Affairs
Case GL-051: The Trem Camp Dispute
Chief Investigator: Thaddeus Grimledger
Server: Trem
Subject: Jerbear, Dwarf Bard
Complainant: Tambzie, Goblin Shadowknight (Twitch: TambsTV)
Reported Offenses: Camp Disruption, Attempted Camp Stealing, Back Talking, General Tomfoolery and Asshattery
Case Status: Under Investigation
AN UNWELCOME PERFORMANCE
The Office of Investigations & Questionable Affairs has received yet another complaint concerning an adventurer who apparently believed that arriving at an occupied camp constituted sufficient grounds to claim it.
The incident, reported by Tambzie, a Goblin Shadowknight adventuring upon the Trem server, concerns a Dwarf Bard known as Jerbear.
According to the complaint, Jerbear entered an area being camped by Tambzie and attempted to interfere with the established arrangement.
What followed has been described as camp disruption, attempted camp stealing, back talking, and behavior of such questionable judgment that the Office has reluctantly opened a separate file for general asshattery.
Chief Investigator Grimledger was informed that the individual in question was a Bard.
He immediately requested a headache remedy.
The Forty-Mob Defense
When confronted about pulling mobs from an area the group had been using for approximately five hours, Jerbear reportedly offered an explanation.
There were, he suggested, plenty of mobs available.
Approximately forty, by his estimation.
He further remarked that it would hardly be a catastrophe if the group’s puller had to travel a little farther to find additional enemies.
The exchange reportedly included the memorable address, “Pal!”
Chief Investigator Grimledger examined this argument with considerable attention.
“Forty mobs,” he repeated, carefully writing the number in his ledger.
“An impressive quantity. I presume the accused conducted a proper census before arriving at this figure.”
The Chief Investigator then requested a map showing the locations of all forty alleged mobs, their respective availability, and the distance Tambzie’s puller would be required to travel to accommodate Jerbear’s activities.
No such map was provided.
“I find it remarkable,” Grimledger continued, “that an adventurer can identify forty available enemies yet still consider it necessary to select those already being pulled by another group.
One might reasonably suggest that the accused follow his own advice and venture farther afield.”
The Office has provisionally classified this explanation as The Forty-Mob Defense.
It is not presently regarded as a recognized legal doctrine.
A QUESTION OF MUSICAL ETIQUETTE
The Office wishes to clarify that being a Bard is not, in itself, suspicious.
Although the Chief Investigator has long maintained that anyone who insists upon providing musical accompaniment during dangerous expeditions deserves careful observation, no regulation currently prohibits the practice.
Nevertheless, the allegations against Jerbear present an interesting problem.
A Bard is ordinarily expected to contribute to the success of an adventuring party.
Attempting to interfere with another party’s camp, if substantiated, would appear to be a rather less welcome contribution.
“I have reviewed the complaint,” Grimledger stated.
“The accused is described as a musician. Yet the only performance brought to my attention appears to have been an argument.
If this is considered entertainment, I fear the standards of the performing arts have deteriorated considerably.”
THE MATTER OF BACK TALKING
Of particular concern to the Chief Investigator is the accusation of back talking.
Grimledger has spent decades developing a professional manner intended to discourage unnecessary conversation.
He considers the continued existence of unnecessary conversation a personal insult.
“There are occasions when an adventurer must speak,” he explained.
“To warn companions of danger. To request assistance. To provide useful information.
And then there are occasions when an adventurer speaks merely because silence would deprive the world of his opinions.
I suspect this case may involve the latter.”
The Office acknowledges that disagreeing with another player is not, by itself, a violation of the game’s rules.
Back talking has therefore been entered into the Gazette’s records as a charge of questionable manners rather than an established disciplinary offense.
Grimledger has nonetheless ordered it underlined twice.
THE FINAL ACT: AN ADMINISTRATIVE SILENCING
The confrontation reportedly reached its conclusion when Tambzie placed Jerbear on his ignore list.
No further argument was required.
The Bard’s remarks simply ceased to reach their intended audience.
Upon learning of this development, Grimledger expressed something approaching professional admiration.
“Extraordinary,” he observed.
“An entire dispute concluded through the administrative removal of one individual’s ability to be heard.
I have spent years attempting to achieve similar results during departmental meetings.”
He has since requested information concerning whether the ignore function can be applied to unsolicited reports, excessive explanations, and Nynkies Nimblefingers when the Editor-in-Chief begins discussing newspaper circulation figures.
The request remains pending.
THE DRUMMING QUESTION
The wanted illustration depicts Jerbear carrying a drum, an instrument that has prompted considerable discussion within the Office.
Grimledger wishes to establish whether the drum was used during the reported incident.
No such evidence has yet been submitted.
Nevertheless, the Chief Investigator has prepared a provisional statement.
“Should the accused have attempted to announce ownership of the camp by beating a drum, I would consider the method both unnecessarily theatrical and wholly insufficient as documentation.
A properly established claim does not become more legitimate merely because it is accompanied by percussion.”
The Office emphasizes that the drum is an artistic detail of the wanted illustration, not independently verified evidence from the encounter.
PRELIMINARY FINDINGS
Having reviewed the eyewitness account, the Office records the following:
- Tambzie, a Goblin Shadowknight on the Trem server, was reportedly occupying a camp when the dispute occurred.
- Jerbear, identified as a Dwarf Bard, allegedly attempted to interfere with or claim the camp.
- The encounter reportedly involved an argument and conduct described by the complainant as back talking.
- The complaint includes allegations of camp disruption and attempted camp stealing.
- No official Game Master ruling or disciplinary finding has been provided to the Gazette.
These observations record the complaint and do not constitute proof that Jerbear violated the Play Nice Policy.
NOTICE TO JERBEAR
The Office of Investigations & Questionable Affairs invites Jerbear to submit his account of the incident.
He may explain the circumstances of the camp dispute, address the allegations, and clarify whether any musical instruments were involved.
A written statement is preferred.
Musical submissions will be considered only if accompanied by a transcription, three copies of the lyrics, and a signed declaration that no further camp disputes will be settled through percussion.
The Office also welcomes additional firsthand accounts or relevant evidence.
FINAL REMARKS FROM CHIEF INVESTIGATOR GRIMLEDGER
“I have now examined complaints involving missing weapons, questionable evacuations, disputed camps, and adventurers whose explanations require more patience than their actions deserve.
Today I am presented with a Dwarf Bard accused of attempting to appropriate another adventurer’s camp.
I am further informed that he engaged in back talking.
The evidence remains incomplete, and I shall not pronounce judgment where the facts have not been established.
However, I offer one piece of professional advice to all wandering musicians.
If you discover that someone else has already occupied the stage, do not assume that playing louder makes it yours.
And kindly stop beating that blasted drum.”
The facts have been recorded. The excuses have been noted. The truth, regrettably, remains under investigation.
Filed by Thaddeus Grimledger
Chief Investigator, Office of Investigations & Questionable Affairs
The Wayfarer’s Gazette
Volume I, Issue No. 2 | November 2026
Editorial Notice: This is an independent, satirical community report based on a reported gameplay encounter. Allegations remain unproven. The Gazette is not affiliated with the game’s development or moderation teams, and this notice is not an authorization to harass or retaliate against any player.
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